The study of memory is interesting. I have an excellent memory and my dear husband has a memory like a steel trap. That steel trap memory has been discussed on this blog several times. His memory is not the focus of this post. It is my memory. I remembered a repressed memory the other day. I think this memory came to mind when I was looking at old photographs from our early marriage days. All of a sudden, I had a huge moment of recall concerning a camping trip we enjoyed when we were first married. This camping trip did not end well for my backside. I will tell my "repressed memory". When I shared the memory with Jack, he remembered it way differently than I did. We agreed that a spanking happened that day, but are unsure as to which version is correct. Time and memory can and do play havoc with the movie we make of our lives. This post is going to be vague in parts, but rest assured that a bottom was spanked in the forest that day without consent a long time ago. Startling and foretelling, take a read.
First, I begin with the googled definition of a repressed memory: Repressed memory is memory that has been unconsciously blocked due to the memory being associated with a high level of stress or trauma. The trauma in this story is one agitated, worried-sick young husband and one young wife baiting her husband for his reaction.
Recently, I was at the grocery store buying things I needed to do some baking. I do not remember the aisle I was on, when a woman asked if I was all right. You see, I was in a trance, my cart blocking her way, staring off into space. A memory of a long ago spanking had come to me in the night, like a dream and I found myself right there with the canned foods recalling my dream that really was a reality. I haven't been able to get this flashback out of my mind, so I thought this is the place to share.
We were so young and had been married one year when we purchased some mountain property. We paid $50 a month and we were still living in an apartment. We are much more water/ beach people so why were buying this land seems odd now. The land measured a little over an acre and Jack designed and built a camping shelter complete with a fireplace. The forest provided lots of romance and fun. I remember one morning I was doing the breakfast dishes and did not look up when I knew Jack was coming down the path from main trail. I am talking away and look up to come face to face with two curious deer. We loved the owl who lived in the tall tree close to our campfire pit. We zipped our sleeping bags together, and Jack snuggled up next to me telling me how good I smelled. I laughed telling him it was bug repellent.
If memory serves me right, I do remember not all was smooth in our neck of the woods all the time. In those early years, we were just finding our way. I was working on post-graduate work taking women studies classes and loving it. I would bring my books along and study while Jack built the shelter. Once in a while, we had some arguments and this story centers on an argument that I cannot remember. I now do remember the results. My brain released that repressed memory! How about that? Repressed memory is interesting. I was spanked once as a child and cannot remember it at all. So we have a little pattern here.
This spanking happened several decades ago so conversation here is implied. My memory is good, but not that good. So grant me some grace here to use implied conversation. I am not an expert in repressed memory. Neither Jack nor I can remember what was actually said. We both remember now what was done. However each of us have our own takes on how it went down! Mine first, followed in italics, Jack's.
We argued and then I got really quiet and he went back to building. I simply walked away and did not come back for several hours. I went to sit by the river in a spot I knew I could see Jack if he came looking for me. He never came and finally as sunset approached, I walked back to our place. We were the only people for miles so Jack could hear me coming and stepping out onto the trail as I got closer. I could tell he was upset. He gathered me in his arms and told me never to go off like that again, ever. We walked back to the tent area and then he told me he was going to spank me. My eyes darted everywhere. He stepped very close telling me that I was not to fight this or he would use his belt instead of his hand. This spanking was happening right now and he would not tolerate any fussing from me. I was to go into our tent and take my jeans off. He would take care of the panties. And, we would be doing this right now as when darkness fell, the lantern and firelight would cause us to feel as if we were on center stage. I knew there was no one anywhere near us except the owl and the deer. I was to be quick and to come out with only my panties on. I now remember never saying a word, just wanting to do this before dark and quickly. I now remember that I did not argue. I could tell not to dare or fuss at him. He was going to do this and now. And, he meant what he said about his belt.
I came out of the tent with only my panties on below the waist. He held out his hand and walked me to a fallen tree covered with moss. He talked quietly about the river being dangerous when alone and the woods being not safe all by myself. He said again he really should use his belt and he quickly put me over the log. Down went those panties, (I have no idea if they were lacey....... it was camping and a very, very long time ago). He spanked me and I thought holy hell this hurts and I cried. He brought me up and held me away from him telling me again, he really needed to use the belt. I do not remember much more than that. I do know that marshmallows were not the only thing roasted at our campfire that night.
We made dinner and after we did the dishes together, he said there would be no reading or studying tonight by lantern light. We were going to bed in our tent and early. I do remember we had big time love making, but we were newly married and all. Interestingly, the next morning we did not discuss any of it. We never talked about what happened to my knowledge. We did no more spanking except sometimes for foreplay. I was burying my spanko feelings deeply then! We never referred to what happened over that mossy log.
So that is quite a story to call up in the night from deep in my brain. I was wide awake and the clock read 2:16am. I did not wake Jack with this memory recall, but yesterday in the garden, we did talk as we were enjoying the spectacular afternoon. He said that he did remember that time I "ran away for way too long". Yes, he did remember the spanking, the white panties, and yes, he still regrets now not using his belt to make sure this new wife knew he meant business.
As I was writing this post, Jack asked for a quick summary. He said that I had written an incorrect version. I told him it was a long time ago. I had told my readers that. I filled in details that I thought were right. For the most part, a bottom, mine, was spanked that day. He said that he wanted his version told as well because his version was correct!
According to Jack, once he had his hands on me, he marched me to the mossy log. Standing behind me, he unbuttoned and unzipped my jeans and pulled them down. Then over the mossy log, I went. Bottom bared, he spanked with purpose. He wanted tears or he would use the belt. He had been so worried about where I was. He had gone looking for me and when he could not find me, he thought the best place to wait was at our campsite. As darkness fell, he was frantic. Down the path, I walked and he knew what he needed to do. He does remember saying that this spanking was happening. He never thought about consent once.
Memory is selective and I have no idea why I suppressed that woodsy spanking memory. A couple of days ago, we had no story here and now we each have our own version of a story lost to repressed memory. After three years of ttwd, why did this memory surface now? I am wondering what other spanking memories will pop up in my night time dreams.