Once a long time ago, I remember stepping outside my body, watching myself being disrespectful to Jack. I was shape tongued, quick to interrupt, icy when the conversation wasn't going my way. I did not like the way I acted at all. I just did not know how to fix it. We were not doing ttwd/dd. There was not an Hoh in our home. We had an equal marriage. We solved problems together, each having an equal voice. It worked well except when it didn't. We might have been searching for a way to make things work better, but we really had no idea how to do that.
Recently I had time to really think about the evolution of our marriage. We have been married a long time and right now is the very best of times........... I call it "the melt in his arms time". So what happened? How did we get to this place that feels so right?
When we were working and both earning salaries, we both have equal voice in everything, but deep down, I was searching for something more. What was I searching for? I had no idea. I was restless and frustrated.
When I stumbled onto ttwd/dd, I knew I had found pure gold and maybe the answer to what I was searching for. When Jack said yes, our marriage pivoted to a sweet place. Our marriage changed dramatically. No longer an equal marriage, but a marriage based on ttwd/dd, love, Jack leading and I following. Jack took many things right off my plate. He thrived in his Hoh role and I tried on the role of submissive wife. Sometimes that role didn't fit so well. We used spankings as way to remind me of the role I had adopted. Jack was consistent and and he wanted peace in our home. Slowly, sometimes very slowly, we made our way. I had to learn to do things in new ways and Jack was right there to provide instruction.
Slowly I became more submissive and found that pleasing Jack also pleased me. The submission could be seen in little things I did.
We were in Starbucks waiting for family. I watched several interactions of couples around us: one couple did not speak to one another at all, each stared in opposing directions and never said a word; another couple was in a heated argument which could be heard by all of us in the shop; another couple was interesting..... she was not interested in conversation and he was trying hard to get something going. I studied each couple and wondered how Jack and I would be viewed. We found a place to sit and started talking about things we were doing. We looked at one another, smiling and laughing and sharing.
I have done a lot of thinking about why things are going so well for us. We listen to one another and care about what the other is saying. We answer one another with respect. However, it is something more here. Since we began ttwd/dd, I have tried to do certain things. Submissivein my heart, but how was I showing this to Jack? I worked on not interrupting, talking in quieter ways, stating my opinions respectfully, accepting his decisions gracefully even when I disagreed. I have learned to just say okay sometimes. That answer works sometimes. I do things to please Jack. He notices and compliments me.
So where are the spankings? Role affirmation is so good for us. Those spankings are what makes things smooth. I remember my role in our ttwd marriage and Jack remembers his, leading and guiding us.
I wrote an essay just for me and a special friend. I had asked her questions and she took a long time to answer putting a lot of thinking into what she wrote back. The questions................... How did your husband let you know what kind of marriage he wanted? What were the things he said that told you what kind of marriage he wanted?
Now Jack is leading and I am submissive in my heart and actions most of the time. When I answered the questions, I had to think about the length of our marriage. For most of our marriage, Jack and I were equal partners making decisions together. We were equal wage earners and came to decisions with equal power. He was deployed and I was the one at home. Submission was not in my world. A military wife is expected to handle many things. I passed the test. Then the work years were over, and I was lost, floundering, searching, needing something more. I think I was searching for a dominant leader and Jack simply stepped up. He said yes to ttwd/gentle dd and things fell into place eventually. At the beginning, I stumbled in accepting the challenge and was spanked as Jack became consistent in what he expected. I became submissive in my heart and learned to lean into what Jack wanted. This was a mighty big change for our marriage. From equal partners to a marriage of an Hoh and his submissive wife, we changed our whole philosophy of the way things were to be. However, making this decision breathed new feelings into our marriage........ rekindling love, sex, and everything else.
So we are hitting our ttwd/gentle dd stride and I just wanted to tell you that I am becoming the wife I was meant to be. It feels wonderful.