Saturday, July 19, 2014

Just Saying Okay Works Sometimes






Not too long ago, Chelsea of Learning Domestic Discipline shared an update regarding her New Year's Resolutions. Her third resolution caught my attention. She shared that it was a resolution that she had a hard time following. The hard to follow resolution was to just say okay to various decisions and not challenge every decision with other solutions or suggestions of her own.

Yes, we do ttwd/dd, but decision making is a joint collaboration. We are a team and always have been. Jack wants my opinions, my point of view,  and my insights. What is different now is how I present those things. I present my ideas with respect. I keep my voice even and gentle. That is new for me. I tended to become too vocal and my voice became loud as I wanted my way to be heard. This caused problems. I would interrupt as Jack was speaking. Now he welcomes the discussions as I have learned not to be so demanding. We share our thoughts and come to decisions together. Respect is the key here every single time.

It really is all in the attitude presented. If decisions are made with my insights taken into consideration, we are a winning team. If Jack makes a different final decision, I am fine with that and appreciate his wise thinking. We have come a long ways. We often got to this spot, but with arguing and frustration mixed right in. It feels great to make these decisions together like we have always done, but without the anguish of arguing. Coming to agreement together feels great, but doing it with respect is so much better.

So I have tried with all my heart to become a better listener. There are other points of view other than mine. I am getting better at discussing things rather than having an argument over issues. We listen to one another much better than before. It works and it works well.

When I am constantly offering my ideas to things that are easy to decide, Jack simply says, Meredith,  say yes.  Let the decision making come from him on certain issues. Not everything has to be debated, discussed or analyzed. He is right about that. Sometimes it is just so much easier to go with the flow.

So how does decision making happen in your relationship? Teamwork? Just say yes?






Thanks, Cali. 

Meredith

16 comments:

  1. Ray always tells me I can't let it go, or I need the last word. Alas, he is right. It is something I've never learned to do, shame on me.

    I saw a post the other day that said "We are usually too busy thinking of a response instead of listening." I think, in my case, that is true.

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  2. We talk a lot and do great with most big decisions. I struggle with smaller decisions that have no permanent impact on our lives. Why? I don't know. I am too working on just saying...."Okay H!"

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  3. In my case a combination...I have been told all i want to hear is a Yes Sir....but He very wants me to have a voice in decisions and to use it wisely.
    hugs abby

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  4. Mere,
    We are much the same as you and Jack. My hubby hates when I clam up - he wants my thoughts and insights. But once a decision is made, I need to handle myself with grace and not sulk. Or argue, or interrupt. This past year has shown much improvement in our communication.

    I so appreciate our discussions Mere - you make me think through things and also talk them over with my hubby - which is awesome!
    hugs,
    Cali

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  5. There are few decisions we make that I care deeply about. I know that sounds strange, but I don't care what car we buy as long as it's comfortable and gets me there. He usually get it to two he really likes and then lets me pick. He once redid our entire living room while I was away - I loved it and I didn't have to look at paint samples. What I have always cared about was the children - and I made all decisions concerning them. Period. Based on results I did pretty well. We talk things over, we look at samples of carpets or appliances together, but he's welcomed to the decision making, because I don't want to.

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  6. As DH struggled with his depression, my way was always the way we did things, simply because he became overwhelmed. Now that he is finally (years later) mostly out of it, it is fun to see him making decisions, and sometimes hard for me to let go. But like you wrote, I do enjoy it, it is so much easier on everybody too.

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  7. I like to think that it is easy for us in this area but that would really be dillusional. I am learni g to ask instead of tell hubs how it is going to be. I am learning to pick and choose what thing really need a second opinion, my opinion. We are learning, I really don't think we will ever stop. Either because we are constantly growing or I am just that stubborn at times, not sure which. Lol
    Alice

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  8. Meredith.. This is so me. Has my name all over it. I very often can not let some things "just be" This stems I think from my childhood where I had little to no say in anything. If I feel like I am not being heard now, I just keep going and going. Hubby has very often said.. just say ok. But no.. I keep pushing. Now.... He says it with "a look" and I know I am getting close to the edge. He does listen, and the communication has improved over the past year. It is all about me learning to simply accept the decision knowing I have been heard. This was a great post.

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  9. Yep, that works great when you can trust the one you are saying yes to :-). I wouldn't take the approach in the picture for federal legislation (ha ha!), but it works between H and I more than any fussing does.

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  10. Hey Mere...have had relationships of all kinds but when Matthew and I were together, ours was much like yours and Jacks...Matthew always wanted my input and opinion...as long as I was calm and respectful...once we discussed and listened to each other, he made the final decision and I said 'okay'. Since I had gotten out of that habit, my bottom and Matthew's belt had to have several discussions...*sigh* before I re-learned. ;) Happy to hear that you two have learned this very valuable lesson.

    Hugs and Blessings...
    Cat

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  11. Decisions are handled in a variety of ways here. It really depends on the decision at hand. Some decisions are left up to me. Some decisions are left up to him. Sometimes there is discussion and a joint decision is reached. Other times there is discussion and we don't agree and one of us will concede to the other. Listening to one another and sharing opinions respectfully is certainly key though.

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  12. We discuss most of the big decisions together and he considers my opinion. I trust him to handle the financial decisions and buying a car; I've had a lot of input on buying homes or decorating, but we discuss price range together. We actually struggle more over our social life: I like to be on the go a lot and to do things with others frequently. As we've gotten older, I've learned to back off and enjoy being together and our home. He in turn will be sure we see friends occasionally, so it all works out. Respectful discussions go a long way to balancing this harmony, for sure.

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  13. Learning not to challenge or offer a different solution when my husband makes decisions without my input was very hard for me. And it's always stupid stuff, like what route to take on a trip. We make all big decisions together, but he makes many small ones for us both. But it really gets easier with time to just say okay (or yes Sir) :-)

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  14. Hi Meredith, most of the big things we decide together. We are decorating at the moment and I am really trying to follow his lead. I have noticed that nowadays he has started to tell me what to do and not allowing me to argue, whereas in the past I would be a teeny bit bossy :)
    love Jan,xx

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  15. I just got a refresher lesson on this last night. I couldn't manage to let it go when all he wanted to hear was a "yes, sir." He had given me time to think and consider my tone, so during the discussion my voice was gentle and respectful. But I just kept talking and dwelling on negativity, and all I really needed to do was take a deep breath and let it go. But apparently I needed a little help, so over his lap I went...

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  16. I'm a lot like PK. The less I have to decide the better. Recently we gutted our kitchen and gave it a complete makeover. Adam narrowed it down to three floor samples which all looked the same to me. He wanted me to pick from those three. I said "fine. That one." Knowing I wouldn't ever remember what I had picked or what the other two even looked like. I hate decision making. Adam plans our vacations and says "just get in the car when I tell you to." Works for me.

    ~Eva

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