Sunday, August 18, 2013

Not One Word From You




This is a difficult post to write as I must portray myself as someone who doesn't lean into what my husband wants....... once again. This is the kind of post that just might be written and never published. I feel like the story needs to be told, but the story makes me feel small for not being able to follow my husband's decisions. Jack is a gentle, loving man, but when aggravated, he knows what to do. I asked for this D/d/ ttwd lifestyle and he said yes. We have but one simple rule........ respect. This should be a  simple rule to follow, but not this time. It is a recurring problem and Jack is right there to call me out when the rule is broken. We agreed to do this. He said yes to assuming his role. I'm the one who has the problem assuming my role. I keep stumbling. Since late May, we are more loving and we bicker and argue less. Until this time and now he insists that I share what happened on this blog. He believes the purpose of my blog is to show what happens when a couple adopts this D/d lifestyle....... the ups and downs couples have. It is a learning curve that swirls around my backside. Our life has been very sweet and calm. We even recently had a big heart to heart on a long car ride and a reaffirmation spanking when we got home.  Things were smooth and easy, until this day. It is as though I can only go so long under his wing. Then my independence and determination to be right come roaring back. We clash over my inability to accept his decisions on the big stuff. I have been doing better until this time! Ugh!

From the time we got up that morning, I was ornery and irritable. Morning coffee didn't smooth things out. I argued with Jack about many things. I kept the argument alive jumping from one topic to another. He went on errands only to return to find me ready to begin anew. Several warnings were given. I ignored them wanting to be right. We spent a lot of the afternoon in silent togetherness with me smoldering and huffy. As I look back, I literally set up what would happen later. Why can't this lesson be learned?




We were meeting friends for dinner. We got ready in silence. He wore a coat and tie and looked handsome. I wore my favorite dressy pants and a lacy top he likes. We were in the car in the garage when I started fueling the argument again. He backed the car out of the garage and we sat in the driveway. I kept at it making my point. He turned off the car after reopening the garage door and walked around to my passenger door. He opened the door and said, " Not one word from you". He reached in to undo my seat belt. I think at just that point, I realized what I had done and what was about to happen yet again. He took my hand and we walked back inside. As we entered the house,  he did not turn on any lights. Holding my hand, we went just outside our bedroom. He stopped and told me to take off my sweater and shoes. He took the sweater from me and turned me facing away from him. He put his hands around my waist and undid my pants and slid them to the floor.  He spoke softly in my ear that this had been brewing all day and he was sorry that he had not taken care of it earlier. There would be no more arguing tonight. He put his hand on the small of my back and we walked to our bed. Jack turned on the lamp casting a soft light over his side of the bed.  He said that would be enough light to see my bottom in the twilight evening. I started to cry. He walked to the dresser to get the paddle and sat down on the bed. He had me stand between his legs. He told me that this had been festering all day and that I had not taken seriously the warnings he had given. As he put me over his knee and put his leg over mine, he kissed my forehead and again said, "Not one word." He bared my bottom and hand spanked me as I continued to sob. Then he used the paddle and I got the worst spanking ever. He held me tight as I squirmed and I buried my head in the duvet. He just kept paddling and I kept sobbing.

I feel like I have so failed at the ttwd thing again. Our big talk last week seems so long ago. By now I should have learned to stop the arguing when Jack has made a decision. I cannot seem to learn that. This is our one rule and I break it regularly. I feel like I disappoint Jack and sabotage his leading. Sometimes I do better and things are smooth, but on this day, I had ample warning to stop arguing and I just ignored him wanting to be right.

After the paddling, I stood between his legs. Now I had some talking to do. He told me he loved me. He said I got the spanking I deserved. Was I ready to follow the respect rule or did I need more help to remember? I said the first words since leaving the car. Yes, I was ready to follow the rule and I was sorry for disappointing him. He did say he knew that arguing about the big decisions  was where I stumbled and he would keep spanking as long as it took to get the message across. He said I had done better only to slip back.  I could count on him being there to set things right. We would continue to do ttwd. We were not going back. He would spank until the lesson was learned. Then he said that we needed to finish up the spanking. Back over I went to be paddled a little more in hopes I would soon learn this lesson. Finally it was over and he held me. 

He helped me get dressed and we went to the car. I was not looking forward to facing friends with my blotchy, puffy face and sitting was tough. He held my hand as he drove. We arrived at the restaurant and I walked into dinner with our vanilla friends. Jack continued to hold my hand throughout our evening.

That night we slept close and I fell asleep knowing Jack said yes to ttwd because of times like what happened today. The escalating argument was stopped by a spanking given by a gentle man who loves me very much.

I am hoping to do much better. I slipped up big time, but Jack didn't. He was right there ready to lead and guide me. I love him so much. And I start all over again feeling loved and determined to get this right. This is what everyone meant when I was told that this ttwd would take a while to learn. 

26 comments:

  1. I think you need to give yourself some more credit, you are submitting and taking responsibility for your actions. I know how hard it is to feel like you're always the one who is not honoring your role, but you are. HUGS!

    When I keep an argument alive by jumping from topic to topic, my H calls that "kitchen sinking" it..throw in everything, and see what sticks ;)

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    1. Jennelle,
      It seems like a take one step forward and then one step back. I thank you for your wise words.
      Meredith

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  2. {{oh mere}} bless your sweet heart. what i loved most about this post was how you told it in a matter-of-fact like way without giving excuses, and you said something huge--that you were failing. you are NOT failing. failing is to fall back into a pattern of yelling and cold war and pulling away from each other. this could have gone on and on with a result of just giving in and being so unhappy, that NO ONE WINS. NO ONE IS RIGHT.

    we are supposed to lean on our men. that's what makes it work. sometimes leaning looks different to other people. to me, it means i need my husband to come rescue me when i begin to lean away from him.

    i loved the "vanilla friends" comment. so true. we all have them. i'm just so glad i'm not one of them.

    you're being too hard on yourself. give it time. may was what? three days ago? lol it sure feels like it. we started in march and we're just scratching the surface of this whole thing.

    hugs to you sweet friend,
    m.

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    1. Maryanne,
      You are so right! I want this to work and slipping up is all part of the learning.
      I appreciate your kind words.
      Meredith

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  3. Mere,

    This is such a sweet post.

    We all have so much to learn, so much we want to change in ourselves, and it takes time - especially for really big deep down changes. It doesn't happen overnight, no matter how much we want it to, so don't be discouraged.

    And who doesn't struggle with wanting to be right - we all do! (I love your illustration for that btw!)

    I love what you said, "It is a learning curve that swirls around my backside." That is a great way of putting it. :)

    Bottom line (no pun intended lol) your Jack knows you so well and loves you so much. That is really evident.

    hugs,
    Cali

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  4. Yes, please don't be so hard on yourself. This is what TTWD is all about. If you submitted perfectly everytime, there would be no point! I'm glad you felt like Jack took charge lovingly. (hugs)!!

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    1. He does take charge and is so darn consistnet. Thank you for your comment.
      Meredith

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  5. Oh gosh, I think you are being to hard on yourself. No one is perfect and let's face it this is what dd is all about. You mess up he spanks, back to the lovey dovey stuff. If you don't mess up where's the fun in that. I am sure he doesn't either want or expect you to be perfect all the time
    love Jan..xx

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    1. Jan,

      Your comment made me laugh out loud. Where's the fun in that! I do think he does really like to take charge.
      Meredith

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  6. Here's the thing, and if you have read any of my last posts in the last month or two, you'll know I'm certainly no expert...BUT in my experience, ttwd is a great deal about self discovery. Sometimes it takes us a while to figure out *why* we react the way we do. Some things I did, I was told was out of habit- and to a degree that is absolutely right. However WHY did I develop this habit? I was always, and am always, thinking, thinking, thinking, ( note NOT always chastising myself after the fact- clean slate remember?). In the beginning people told me, "you think too much". Okay, easy thing to stop- NOT. But 11 months later, I know so much more about myself, and in turn Barney does too. We talked about EVERYTHING, not always right away, but together we figured things out. I talked to friends, and they shared their discovers or asked me interesting questions.

    My point- or at least I think I have one- some times people need to know WHY they can't 'submit', 'defer', stop what they are doing, before they can move on to break the habit. Perhaps you are one of these people?

    It does take a very long time to feel comfortable. Think of breaking in a new pair of shoes. They look great, they feel great when you are sitting down, and standing, but once you start to move around and live in them for a bit, well they rub. Often you blister (wink), but eventually they stretch and mold to you. Sure the pressure points act up and your feet may still swell in the heat causing some issues, but eventually you no longer cringe when thinking about putting them on. They become as comfortable as your warn in 'habit' shoes. But as irritating as it is to hear, and you will a lot, it takes time, and practice.

    You will get there. You have so many things in your favour to help already- a consistent husband who is kind and understanding in his 'punishment', movement already to a better relationship, the ability to be honest with not only us but yourself, and well a desire to try. Like Maryanne said, you don't make excuses. Please don't reflect too much in a direction that beats yourself up though!

    hugs
    willie

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    1. You are a wise woman. Thank you for your comments. I will take them to heart.
      Meredith

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  7. Meredith,
    I have written posts like this and the responses I get are "don't be so hard on yourself." I am hard on myself and I expect myself to get my head around things like respect and make some changes...not do this same thing over and over again. You and I seem very similar when it comes to things like this.

    I promise you that you will...that in discovering what is going on inside you, you will begin to stop sooner with the arguing. One wise Dd friend talks about these kinds of spankings as mining for gold. It can take some serious thwacking to get down to what is really going on and bring the refined gold up to the surface. It may not be a situation where you simply "stop" doing something but more that you figure out that the two of you need to communicate differently when you disagree. You may need to talk through a whole different way of processing disagreements so that you are heard but you don't press his disrespect button.

    I like how your husband handled you. Strong, loving and forgiving. Maybe he too will learn how to nip things before they get too out of hand or have to end in such a big spanking. It is very difficult to be heard, be respectful and not "shut down and shut up" in order to stay out of trouble. I am practicing and am not very good at it.

    It's hard Meredith but EVERYTHING about how you two dealt with this says that you are going to figure it out together. He has your back and you want to get it right. Just don't leave your own process out in your quest to be more respectful. Dig deep and tell him what you think happens. Keep talking it out and I will hope that this gets easier and easier.

    LOL...pontification complete. Sorry about that!

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    1. Susie,
      I think he really likes to take charge and I want him to as well. He inisists I blog about our journey and it always invloves me and a bare bottom. We are doing a lot more talking than ever before.
      Thank you for your comments.
      Meredith

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  8. It sounds like you're on the right track. I'm not sure how to express it, but I think you need to accept where you're at. If you feel that's "failing", then you get credit for calling it the way you feel it. Susie is right. Let the process take it's course. Feeling the "failure" and connecting it to the punishment is exactly what causes the change. I get your disappointment that it isn't happening faster. I'd just say, don't let your disappointment with your behavior become an additional punishment. You already got the paddling.

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    1. I will take your comments to heart.
      Thanks
      Meredith

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  9. OH Meredith, Sweetie, you are NOT failing at DD. Oh Goodness. Read all our posts from the beginning, every single last one of us if you like. There is a process to DD, and this is one of the steps. He's showing you that you can count on him, and you'll find yourself fighting him less and less. But to be honest, even in years to come, when you have DD down the way you like it, you're still going to have days where you wake up cranky, you're still going to have days when no matter how hard to tell yourself to back up, you won't be able to let go of something. That is what your husband is there for. To lead you, keep you on the right path. We women are emotional, and hormones do not help. You are so far from a failure. What you just shared, is so beautiful. You let him correct you, you listened when he said not another word, and you came to peace afterwards. {{{HUGS}}} You are in fact, doing great. :) You have been spanked, you have learned your lesson, and you move forward. :) Don't hold onto the guilt, that is what a spanking is for. You're punished, it's over. {{{HUGS}}}

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    1. You are a wise woman and your comments are greatly appreicated.
      I am taking them to heart.
      Meredith

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  10. I think that your post epitomises what the DD community is about..

    We can read all we like about the "right" way to do things and what results this "should" elicit, but at the end of the day, because we are all human beings who are shaped and developed from our own individual understanding and life experiences, the things that we really learn from are posts like yours about how real people cope with the real problems that routinely occur when we find that we don't conform to the DD 'template'.

    It's very important to remember that DD isn't about successes and 'failures', but about dealing with and getting past the bumps and obstacles in the road and achieving something that makes us feel more loved, loving and connected.

    Rosalind

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    1. Rosalind,
      Thank you for your insightful comments. I am learning and need to rethink a spanking. Your remarks are most true.
      Meredith

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  11. The appeal of this lifestyle for me is that I can stop punishing myself once the paddle or belt have punished me. I'm ever so much harder on myself.

    Growing and learning and failing and trying again is the key I think. I try to be perfect but none of us are. I make myself crazy sometimes trying to be perfect. This morning my mouth was in fifth gear, couldn't let an issue go. I was told to stop and the last time, Sir was loud and angry that I wisely thought "Mann unless you want that belt, you better reel it in". I took a warm shower, called a girlfriend and made plans and then gently said to Sir " I'm going out for awhile". He smiled and said fine. The day could have gone otherwise. One more word and I would have been hauled into the bedroom and the belt taken off the hook for a long and very painful spanking and this lovely day would have been ruined.

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    1. Thank you for affirming comment. Glad you made the right choice.
      Meredith

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  12. so in ttwd,the spanked one must always be a failure because if you were completely succesfull there would be no need for "punishment"-and so really its just a game?

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  13. I read only pure love in this post. Isn't it a blessing that the leaders in the men we have are able to shine so much brighter since ttwd!? My favorite part for us, is after the punishment in situations like this...he wants and needs to be close too. The touch speaks so loudly 'I'm here! I'm staying! You can count on me!' I thought after being married almost 2 decades we couldn't be closer, better, happier. I couldn't have been more wrong. Thank you. I was really looking tonight for a post that said 'Jacy (not my real name) you're not alone in your feelings. They are just new and don't feel like anything you've ever had before' - this post was exactly what I needed to read tonight. Thank you.

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