Sunday, August 18, 2013
Not One Word From You
This is a difficult post to write as I must portray myself as someone who doesn't lean into what my husband wants....... once again. This is the kind of post that just might be written and never published. I feel like the story needs to be told, but the story makes me feel small for not being able to follow my husband's decisions. Jack is a gentle, loving man, but when aggravated, he knows what to do. I asked for this D/d/ ttwd lifestyle and he said yes. We have but one simple rule........ respect. This should be a simple rule to follow, but not this time. It is a recurring problem and Jack is right there to call me out when the rule is broken. We agreed to do this. He said yes to assuming his role. I'm the one who has the problem assuming my role. I keep stumbling. Since late May, we are more loving and we bicker and argue less. Until this time and now he insists that I share what happened on this blog. He believes the purpose of my blog is to show what happens when a couple adopts this D/d lifestyle....... the ups and downs couples have. It is a learning curve that swirls around my backside. Our life has been very sweet and calm. We even recently had a big heart to heart on a long car ride and a reaffirmation spanking when we got home. Things were smooth and easy, until this day. It is as though I can only go so long under his wing. Then my independence and determination to be right come roaring back. We clash over my inability to accept his decisions on the big stuff. I have been doing better until this time! Ugh!
From the time we got up that morning, I was ornery and irritable. Morning coffee didn't smooth things out. I argued with Jack about many things. I kept the argument alive jumping from one topic to another. He went on errands only to return to find me ready to begin anew. Several warnings were given. I ignored them wanting to be right. We spent a lot of the afternoon in silent togetherness with me smoldering and huffy. As I look back, I literally set up what would happen later. Why can't this lesson be learned?
We were meeting friends for dinner. We got ready in silence. He wore a coat and tie and looked handsome. I wore my favorite dressy pants and a lacy top he likes. We were in the car in the garage when I started fueling the argument again. He backed the car out of the garage and we sat in the driveway. I kept at it making my point. He turned off the car after reopening the garage door and walked around to my passenger door. He opened the door and said, " Not one word from you". He reached in to undo my seat belt. I think at just that point, I realized what I had done and what was about to happen yet again. He took my hand and we walked back inside. As we entered the house, he did not turn on any lights. Holding my hand, we went just outside our bedroom. He stopped and told me to take off my sweater and shoes. He took the sweater from me and turned me facing away from him. He put his hands around my waist and undid my pants and slid them to the floor. He spoke softly in my ear that this had been brewing all day and he was sorry that he had not taken care of it earlier. There would be no more arguing tonight. He put his hand on the small of my back and we walked to our bed. Jack turned on the lamp casting a soft light over his side of the bed. He said that would be enough light to see my bottom in the twilight evening. I started to cry. He walked to the dresser to get the paddle and sat down on the bed. He had me stand between his legs. He told me that this had been festering all day and that I had not taken seriously the warnings he had given. As he put me over his knee and put his leg over mine, he kissed my forehead and again said, "Not one word." He bared my bottom and hand spanked me as I continued to sob. Then he used the paddle and I got the worst spanking ever. He held me tight as I squirmed and I buried my head in the duvet. He just kept paddling and I kept sobbing.
I feel like I have so failed at the ttwd thing again. Our big talk last week seems so long ago. By now I should have learned to stop the arguing when Jack has made a decision. I cannot seem to learn that. This is our one rule and I break it regularly. I feel like I disappoint Jack and sabotage his leading. Sometimes I do better and things are smooth, but on this day, I had ample warning to stop arguing and I just ignored him wanting to be right.
After the paddling, I stood between his legs. Now I had some talking to do. He told me he loved me. He said I got the spanking I deserved. Was I ready to follow the respect rule or did I need more help to remember? I said the first words since leaving the car. Yes, I was ready to follow the rule and I was sorry for disappointing him. He did say he knew that arguing about the big decisions was where I stumbled and he would keep spanking as long as it took to get the message across. He said I had done better only to slip back. I could count on him being there to set things right. We would continue to do ttwd. We were not going back. He would spank until the lesson was learned. Then he said that we needed to finish up the spanking. Back over I went to be paddled a little more in hopes I would soon learn this lesson. Finally it was over and he held me.
He helped me get dressed and we went to the car. I was not looking forward to facing friends with my blotchy, puffy face and sitting was tough. He held my hand as he drove. We arrived at the restaurant and I walked into dinner with our vanilla friends. Jack continued to hold my hand throughout our evening.
That night we slept close and I fell asleep knowing Jack said yes to ttwd because of times like what happened today. The escalating argument was stopped by a spanking given by a gentle man who loves me very much.
I am hoping to do much better. I slipped up big time, but Jack didn't. He was right there ready to lead and guide me. I love him so much. And I start all over again feeling loved and determined to get this right. This is what everyone meant when I was told that this ttwd would take a while to learn.