Tuesday, August 27, 2013

Meeting With The Boss After A Long Day of Waiting

Jack and I had four lovely days away on an island in the sound. We stayed at a cottage on the water belonging to friends. We had the cottage to ourselves the first two days. Sleeping late, loving under the covers, delicious breakfasts, beachcombing and late night star gazing ........ all made our time alone really sweet! We spent one afternoon sitting in chairs like these talking about ttwd and really hearing one another. At one point in our conversation, I cried with emotion at the way we really heard one another and how good all this was for our marriage.

Then we hit some bumps. Four times during this time away, I told my husband what to do and what not to do. This happened when we were alone......... in the car, in a grocery store and in a restaurant. He did not like it and told me so. He said I was close to "the edge". I shrugged. He was not pleased with me saying I was not treating him like the boss of our family. He doesn't like my bossiness. He told me that he is the boss and somehow I am unable to be more submissive. Comments I made to him seemed small, but he was very upset. He told me we would deal with it when we got home. Swell!

We arrived home late and I went right to bed. He tucked me in and I thought all was well. He left early the next morning and told me to sleep as he showered and made coffee. Around 6AM, he woke me up walking into the bedroom carrying a cup of frothy coffee in one hand and the paddle in the other. He put the coffee on the night stand and sat down on the bed holding the paddle in his hand. He was calm and spoke quietly. He would be gone until early evening. I was to cancel my evening plans with friends. No discussion and no negotiations. He wanted me home and waiting for his return. There would be a serious spanking and talk. I needed to spend the day getting ready and in a mindset to submit.

I emailed three people who do ttwd and they offered support and concern. I cannot imagine doing ttwd without the three friendships I have made. Each of them reminded me that Jack loved me and to not fight the spanking would show my submission. I had plenty of time to think. I thought about how the four things I said undermined his authority. He is the boss and I need to be mindful of that. Time dragged and I waited.

When he finally came home, I was already crying. He held me and said that we would be going upstairs. He said I had spun myself up all day just thinking about the spanking and what I had said. He said that there would be a spanking, but an easy one.......... no paddle! He said he needed to do what he had promised. Then he knew I needed to calm down. We went upstairs and I went over his knee. He bared my bottom and spanked me with his hand. He held me when it was over. He asked me who the boss is in our family. I immediately answered that he was. He asked if I needed the paddle and I said no. Let's put this behind us and start over, he whispered.

Friday, August 23, 2013

Photos Which Speak To Me

I have collected a few photos that I find very sensual and poignant. They speak to me in the tenderness of the husbands and the love exchanged between the couples. I have learned some interesting things as Jack and I make our way. I submit to the spankings and know they are earned. During the spanking, I do not like it one bit. After the spanking, we both feel an intimacy which is quite amazing. Along with love making, the intense emotion of a spanking is huge. I melt afterward and know that my world will be fine in the arms of my loving husband. 

Even though spankings really hurt, I see real tenderness in these photos. How about you?

Sunday, August 18, 2013

Not One Word From You

This is a difficult post to write as I must portray myself as someone who doesn't lean into what my husband wants....... once again. This is the kind of post that just might be written and never published. I feel like the story needs to be told, but the story makes me feel small for not being able to follow my husband's decisions. Jack is a gentle, loving man, but when aggravated, he knows what to do. I asked for this D/d/ ttwd lifestyle and he said yes. We have but one simple rule........ respect. This should be a  simple rule to follow, but not this time. It is a recurring problem and Jack is right there to call me out when the rule is broken. We agreed to do this. He said yes to assuming his role. I'm the one who has the problem assuming my role. I keep stumbling. Since late May, we are more loving and we bicker and argue less. Until this time and now he insists that I share what happened on this blog. He believes the purpose of my blog is to show what happens when a couple adopts this D/d lifestyle....... the ups and downs couples have. It is a learning curve that swirls around my backside. Our life has been very sweet and calm. We even recently had a big heart to heart on a long car ride and a reaffirmation spanking when we got home.  Things were smooth and easy, until this day. It is as though I can only go so long under his wing. Then my independence and determination to be right come roaring back. We clash over my inability to accept his decisions on the big stuff. I have been doing better until this time! Ugh!

From the time we got up that morning, I was ornery and irritable. Morning coffee didn't smooth things out. I argued with Jack about many things. I kept the argument alive jumping from one topic to another. He went on errands only to return to find me ready to begin anew. Several warnings were given. I ignored them wanting to be right. We spent a lot of the afternoon in silent togetherness with me smoldering and huffy. As I look back, I literally set up what would happen later. Why can't this lesson be learned?

We were meeting friends for dinner. We got ready in silence. He wore a coat and tie and looked handsome. I wore my favorite dressy pants and a lacy top he likes. We were in the car in the garage when I started fueling the argument again. He backed the car out of the garage and we sat in the driveway. I kept at it making my point. He turned off the car after reopening the garage door and walked around to my passenger door. He opened the door and said, " Not one word from you". He reached in to undo my seat belt. I think at just that point, I realized what I had done and what was about to happen yet again. He took my hand and we walked back inside. As we entered the house,  he did not turn on any lights. Holding my hand, we went just outside our bedroom. He stopped and told me to take off my sweater and shoes. He took the sweater from me and turned me facing away from him. He put his hands around my waist and undid my pants and slid them to the floor.  He spoke softly in my ear that this had been brewing all day and he was sorry that he had not taken care of it earlier. There would be no more arguing tonight. He put his hand on the small of my back and we walked to our bed. Jack turned on the lamp casting a soft light over his side of the bed.  He said that would be enough light to see my bottom in the twilight evening. I started to cry. He walked to the dresser to get the paddle and sat down on the bed. He had me stand between his legs. He told me that this had been festering all day and that I had not taken seriously the warnings he had given. As he put me over his knee and put his leg over mine, he kissed my forehead and again said, "Not one word." He bared my bottom and hand spanked me as I continued to sob. Then he used the paddle and I got the worst spanking ever. He held me tight as I squirmed and I buried my head in the duvet. He just kept paddling and I kept sobbing.

I feel like I have so failed at the ttwd thing again. Our big talk last week seems so long ago. By now I should have learned to stop the arguing when Jack has made a decision. I cannot seem to learn that. This is our one rule and I break it regularly. I feel like I disappoint Jack and sabotage his leading. Sometimes I do better and things are smooth, but on this day, I had ample warning to stop arguing and I just ignored him wanting to be right.

After the paddling, I stood between his legs. Now I had some talking to do. He told me he loved me. He said I got the spanking I deserved. Was I ready to follow the respect rule or did I need more help to remember? I said the first words since leaving the car. Yes, I was ready to follow the rule and I was sorry for disappointing him. He did say he knew that arguing about the big decisions  was where I stumbled and he would keep spanking as long as it took to get the message across. He said I had done better only to slip back.  I could count on him being there to set things right. We would continue to do ttwd. We were not going back. He would spank until the lesson was learned. Then he said that we needed to finish up the spanking. Back over I went to be paddled a little more in hopes I would soon learn this lesson. Finally it was over and he held me. 

He helped me get dressed and we went to the car. I was not looking forward to facing friends with my blotchy, puffy face and sitting was tough. He held my hand as he drove. We arrived at the restaurant and I walked into dinner with our vanilla friends. Jack continued to hold my hand throughout our evening.

That night we slept close and I fell asleep knowing Jack said yes to ttwd because of times like what happened today. The escalating argument was stopped by a spanking given by a gentle man who loves me very much.

I am hoping to do much better. I slipped up big time, but Jack didn't. He was right there ready to lead and guide me. I love him so much. And I start all over again feeling loved and determined to get this right. This is what everyone meant when I was told that this ttwd would take a while to learn. 

Wednesday, August 14, 2013

When My Worlds Collide

In the big world, I am a busy woman. I chair two book clubs......... one is professional and the other is just a group of long time friends reading popular books and finding excuses to laugh, drink some wine and get together. I find myself in a huge trap.  I haven't read a book all summer. Let me correct that. I have not read a book for either book club since May. I just fake it and lead the discussions more as a moderator than a participant. Why? I am reading DD books downloaded to my Kindle app from Amazon. Many books! How do I share that reading?

I have always been a big reader. I have a list of the books I have read since I was eight years old. The list is quite impressive. I have made presentations at public libraries displaying my list. I share my love of reading. The list really traces my interests over the years: science, murder, social behavior, all best sellers, spirituality, American history with emphasis on the Civil War, poetry, biographies and children's literature. All reading has come to a sudden halt. Between blog reading, blog posting and DD downloads, I have been reading, but these books are NOT going on the list.

Our girl friend book club met just a week ago. As chair and co-founder, I make presentations to the others about the books I have recently read. I share reviews about upcoming books. I arrange speakers to come to talk. The women count on me to recommend the best and most interesting of the books out there. Thank goodness, I think well on my feet. I read several reviews on my way to the meeting. I asked others to speak about their favorite summer reading. I faked it and no one really was the wiser.

I need to use a little self-discipline. Many books are slipping away unread. However, I am having a grand time reading some hot, fun books with extra hot covers!

How do you balance your online reading and your other reading? Advice is greatly appreciated.

Wednesday, August 7, 2013

Heart To Heart In The Car And A Reaffirmation Once Home

Yesterday was one of those golden Pacific Northwest days that far away weather people never get right. People think it rains all the time here, and although we do get a lot of rain, the sun has been shining all summer.

Jack and I went across the sound to visit friends and the round trip of four hours in the car and two ferry rides gave us plenty of time to talk. I have had a rough time lately with ttwd. Jack has had no problems at all. He is consistent, steady and calm. I am the one who is floundering. I try to negotiate out of tough spankings, but love the good girl ones. I give him instructions on how to spank his wife. I argue beyond reason why I am right. I have once again become very skilled at keeping an argument alive and flourishing ignoring Jack's decisions. I received two spankings in a row and only blogged about one. I was stunned by my awful attitude and the need to show my husband who is right. I truly thought I could talk my way out of a spanking and have been proven wrong twice about that. I stumble in this ttwd, but Jack doesn't. He remains steadfast and true to what we agreed upon when we began four months ago. This day will end with a reaffirmation spanking and great love expressed between two long married people. So what happened?

We made a quick Starbucks stop and headed to the ferry. I had my hand on Jack's leg as he talked gently and quietly about the hard time I was having with ttwd. First he said he loved the dynamic. He was leading and in charge. He knew that after living a life in which deployments required separation, he recognized that being submissive was difficult for me. When we were apart, I handled many things without his help or presence. Now deployments were a thing of the past, and we were together. He was in charge and I was to back down. We were not going back to a marriage of quarrels, silences and bickering. He said that he was relishing his role as head of our home and we were not going back to the old ways. He told me that it was up to me  as to how smoothly things would go. I needed to be mindful of what we had agreed to. I needed to remember that he was leading. He was consistently doing ttwd and would continue to do so. His wife was to follow what we had agreed to or consequences would happen. By now my coffee was cold and he had told me not to move my hand. He wanted to feel my touch as we talked. I would feel his touch in a different way if I did not stop disrespecting his decisions.

We were on the ferry now and he held and kissed me. He is always so calm and even tempered. He reassured me that I could do this and that he would help. I leaned my head against his shoulder and agreed to do better.

We had a great time with friends and drove the same route home. As the car pulled into the garage, I sensed what was coming before he even told me. He said that he would test my word at doing better. He would give me a reaffirmation spanking before bed. I turned to him and nodded. He told me to go upstairs and wait for him.

He paddled my backside, but I remember little of the spanking as I was so full of love for him and his commitment to us. He never waivers and always puts his love for me first. Later we made love and he said that he was pleased with the way I handled his decision to reaffirm our roles.

Sunday, August 4, 2013

Failed Negotiations at the Paddle Peace Talks

Failed negotiations at the paddle peace talks. I am a frustrated, spanked wife. I can't seem to get this right.  About once a week on average, I cross the line breaking our one rule....... respect. I slip back to old ways often in the company of old friends. The influence of these women cause me to revert back to pre-Dd times. I thought I would be doing better, but in fact the only one doing better is Jack, Mr. Always Consist. He is steady and true using the rule to change my behavior for the better.  On the other hand, I have a difficult time relinquishing my independence. He is steady and true and I'm just sore and red!

I went out to a friend's home to celebrate a birthday. The group of us are girl friends who have known each other for years. Jack had told me that the evening needed to be cut short because he didn't want me out late. The problem here is that these friends are the same women who gave me support during Jack's deployment. I relied on their friendship and cherished their love. We celebrate birthdays, have wine and spent most of our time laughing. It's a time for us girls to enjoy one another. I knew Jack wanted me home early..... before 11pm. When it was close to 11pm, he began texting me and my friends thought this sweet, then annoying and then hilarious. I turned off my phone and enjoyed the last of the party. I left the party about 11:30pm and drove the short distance home to an unhappy Jack. 

We talked. He said I minded the respect rule when it was convenient. I balked saying I was having a good time, close to home and I didn't need a curfew. He said that was not the way he saw it. Disrespect was a spankable offensive and I have not listened to the wishes of my husband. He said that negotiating  would not serve me well. I told him that these women were my strength when he was deployed and far away. He said that he was my strength and I would feel that when we went upstairs. 

After the spanking, he said it was up to me to learn to think things through and he wanted me to think seriously about the consequences. Turning off my phone was not a good idea and he let me know that. 

So what we have here is an extremely consistent husband and a wife who takes her chances living by the way things used to be. I am frustrated and he is holding his own and the paddle. I can't seem to get this right. I think it has a lot to do with deployment separations. Even though that ended several years ago, I still operate independently on occasion. I am frustrated that I keep stumbling here.